(8) the only one who's ever known, who i am, who i'm not & i who i wanna be

Entry #4

status:fkn bored like a moo-fo
mood:average ; blank ; things lingering on my mind but not too sure of what it is..
currently listening to:halo - beyonce

Started to write a blog @ uws parramatta on monday, never got posted nor did it ever get completed. Amazing how things change in just a few days and how easy it is to erase words written electronically - highlighting what you want deleted or needs to be deleted and just a hit of a button, its all gone. Interesting how life doesnt work like that.. nor anything else that seems to be realistic in this world. Ive noticed that although things are constantly changing and nothing lasts forever, there are things that cant be or never will be erased due to impulsive decisions without thinking through clearly of the consequences or just due to plain stupidity. But i guess that is what makes us realise so many different things within our lives and how we are able to learn from it, grow from it and mature from it. Those who dont, i guess that theyll just never learn or im guessing they choose not to learn until something hits them.

I was talking to CHI the other day about my past and how i had made many MANY wrong decisions within just half a year.. and that half a year leading to a year. And the fact that im always going to have to live life remembering what i did wrong, or what i DIDNT do. But its a part of life - we all know that and i know its something cliche to say but i did learn many things and have learnt a few extra things about the types of people that may live on this planet. There have been people who i have learnt from, there's been people who ive been influenced by - the good and the bad, people who have just remained acquaintances and possibly people who were in my life and silently stood by to see who i had become without even caring or talking to me about what i was doing and who i was becoming. I then realised half way through year 12 that i was much better off becoming more independent, better off not being influenced and better off discovering myself, by myself.

Yes i know in my previous blogs i have stated that i had lost a sense of self direction - losing myself and not knowing who i wanted to be, who i wanted to become or who i was at that moment in time. And at this very moment, im still not quite sure who i am BUT i can say that the past few wks i have become more certain of who i do not want to become and the qualities that i do not wish to possess or have. These past few wks ive become more chilled out, going with the flow and being more happier these days.

Theres been a few things running through my mind and that includes the aspect of familia ! They ARE IMPORTANT TO ME ! Although it may not seem so, they are ! I respect each and everyone one of them in their own ways. But whats always been lingering on my mind is the fact that i feel repentant when it comes to giving little or no time to family. Mums always stating the fact that i never talk to her and im always talking to my friends. Its true. I hate how things have become this way due to my selfishness and not trying more with mum. No one else is to blame but myself. The fact that she cares and loves me so much even if she can be strict or protective of me, i am still grateful for everythings shes done - not only me but whats shes done for the family. As days fly by, theyre not getting any younger and the minimal effort of wanting to hold a proper conversation with her is hard for me. As much as i want to open up to her and as much as i want to talk to her, i just cant seem to be able to bring myself to do it. I even feel funny just saying the words "im sorry" to her. I dont want to take family for granted nor do i want to be distant to them. I envy the people who are able to talk to their families about anything and everything - to be able to just even tell a joke or small chit chat. I really do hate this feeling and i hate that this is always @ the back of my mind, because it really does hurt me that im not able to properly talk to mum or the rest of my family.

Other lingering thoughts that has been eating away @ my mind are friendships, relationships and how life can be so god damn contradicting. Friendships and relationships often change due to many reasons and are often affected by lifes many contradicting aspects. For those friends who i have shunned - i am deeply and truly sorry for not making time or effort for the friendships who were worth being valued and worth spending time on. I must make special mention to Samantha, Sarah, Malina, Debbie, Veo, Zac and Bek (and theres probably more, sorry if i didnt mention you) - You's were the ones who stuck with me till the end and now that high school is over, i seem to have neglected these important friendships. I guess its now even harder to mend due to the fact that we've gone our separate ways to do what we choose to do. But i really do hope that i am able to catch up with all of you every soon ! truly am sorry. It's really sad to think that vital friendships are broken within a blink of an eye.

...As for relationships, i am really beginning to miss having one. But enough said, no need to delve into that topic anymore.

And as for life being contradicting, always will be! Its interesting how alot if not most friendships are based on the general terms of "bros over hoes" or "chicks before dicks", now everyone knows that in the end, it never seems to be the case. Somehow one way or another the opposite sex always tends to somehow end up meddling some form of friendship between two people - or possibly even more. Hypocrisy these days just dont seem to be as bad as contradiction. The fact that people or maybe even believers tend to say "live life to the full, take chances and take risks" or "lifes too short" - just generalisations, cant think of any other general contradictions within life atm. people always tend to think about the consequences of initiating these risks - even if its just trying to talk to a person of the opposite sex. It can be as little as that! But HEY ! i guess thats life.

Ok, i cant ramble on anymore. so i stop here. THE END =)

"I miss all the little things I never thought that they’d mean everything to me..

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here"
- Lifehouse

- Marty.

Lyrics #1

status:chilling
mood:chilled ; sleepy ; tired.
currently listening to:Restaurant - Marques Houston

Whatever It Takes - Lifehouse

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

(8) Have you ever wanted to be someone else? Have you ever wanted to just be someone? Have you ever wanted life to be more than it seems?

Entry #3

status:downloading alot of shawn mcdonald songs!
mood:feeling mixed emotions ; blank.
listening to:simply nothing - shawn mcdonald.

Due to popular demand, i have been forced to write another blog within the same week.
haha okay i joke i joke. Im not quite sure, but i just wanted to blog again because my previous blog that i wrote yesterday; meaning saturday, was not a blog entry that i was satisfied with. i feel as though i like to blog with either a meaning or a reason, i dont like to nor do i want to write blogs where i recount my day.

Today was an interesting day, due to nothing triggering the mood that overtook me today. From running around, climbing in and out of windows, laughing till my stomach hurted and not having a care in the world, i felt as though i was 12 again last night. I'd have to say it was one of the best nights ive had in awhile, even if it was just being plain silly. Recounting the events that occurred the night before made me realise that it was over. Made me realise that i was out of high school and the fact that im 18 and also the fact that it was probably time for me to step back out into the real world and i guess you could say "embrace" whatever may come my way.

It really makes me begin to wonder and to think about how time flies by so quickly. 18 years of my life passed, just like that with a click of the fingers. I look back and question myself if i ever lived life to its fullest potential. Talking to a friend today and by him saying that he lives FOR everyday, living on a day to day basis and taking it as it comes by trying not to take it for granted and now thinking about it once again, i would have to say it makes me envious of him. Now i know i said that envy mightve not been the correct word to use, but the more i think about it, envy is the ONLY word that comes to mind. Living life to the fullest is what i used to say, its what i used to supposedly believe in. Although i did believe in it, i never acted upon it. Again framing myself into the light of being a hypocrite. I guess its true when they say that life is too short and by dwelling on the bad things or things not going your way is definitely not the way to approach things nor is it the way to look at life. Being grateful for what you do HAVE and by not taking it for granted is how you should see things. Seizing opportunity and chances is what makes your life and not letting fear control you. My same friend also said that in the end, you're the one who has to gain everything for yourself.

Reflective moods are quite enjoyable even if my friends and i were being downers today. haha you know who you emo kids are ! Whilst listening to Shawn McDonald, im pretty sure we all felt similar in the sense of thinking about life or thinking about personal issues that we may have come across. At the moment i must say i am inlove with shawn mcdonald's songs and would like to thank my dear friend for introducing us to him ! Never thought that an artist would provoke so many thoughts in a 20 minute car ride. The wonders and greatness of music. So many things are different from what they may seem and i guess thinking about life and its troubles is what makes us learn and is what makes us grow as individuals. Speaking in the perspective of not knowing where life might take us, I sat in the car beginning to think to the extent of wanting life to be and feel so much more than what it is right now. Thinking about the changes i went through and thinking about the troubles i had to overcome to get to where i am today. Although i am still young, i still dont think i lived life to the best i couldve the past 18 years. No, there isnt a sense of regret maybe except for a few past events, but i wouldnt be where i am today and having learnt from my many mistakes. I asked my friend today, if he ever felt as though he wanted to do so many things in life, but not know exactly what he wanted to do.. I feel as though i have lost a sense of direction once again, not knowing the possibilities that exist out there. I feel as though i have fallen short of living to the fullest potential i have.

Where will we be in 10 years time? in 10 years time, most of my friends and i will be about 28 years of age. How far will i have come? What will i become? Who will i be? How will i be? Chi and i spoke of this for at least 20 odd minutes or so, really wondering what would happen 10 years time. How different things would become, how many changes would occur and the phases we would go through. We were even wondering what itd be like in even 1 year time. Its amazing how things can change, even in just several months.

I think this should be all for tonight. Got to save some rambling for the next blog! I shall leave you all with some shaun mcdonald lyrics.

"As I’m standing here, staring into the mirror
See the figure of a man trying to take a stand
And live for something more
Take this life, won’t you change this life
Come and make me whole"

- Marty.

(8) I'm Not Afraid To Walk Alone...

Entry #2


status:just chilling @ a mates.
mood:tired as hell !
currently listening to:freeze - tpain & chris brown.

Thought i'd blog abit since i havent in a while and people were telling me to blog. lols damn whingers. ahah kidding. OKAY ! so i had a big week this week. It was my
18th birthday on wednesday, so i decided to skip TAFE and take a day off. I pretty much spent the whole day with my gay friend chi. LOL. look chi, you got mentioned this time. fkn whinger =P. Well started my day off as an adult by buying a scratchie LOL and i broke even, so it was aiight. anddd thennn chi introduced me to the Chasers and they are fkn hilarious.

Later on that day, we met up with the girls, jen and julie and ben @ parramatta to chill out @ a park before we headed back to my place. Pretty aiight park, was relaxing. Then the boys surprised me with a birthday cake. THANKSZ BOYS. And then we headed back to mine to chill out for awhile.

Friday night, jen and i got ready to go out to the city and hit maloneys and then havana. It was good to bump into my cousin, clara. been soo long since i seen that girl ! woo first time clubbing experience was kinda what i expected, no joke our hair was drenched due to the fact that it was so fkn hot in there. Everyone was drenched from tip to toe from dancing all night long. But generally, the night was pretty good apart from my shoes killing my feet, which resulted into getting one damn blister =(.

i would like to thank everyone that came to out that night ! the night wouldnt have been the same without you's there. so i greatly appreciate it ! =DD

i wanna talk about something similiar of my last blog post, but i cant seem to think of anything as of this moment ! no wait, i thought of something ! lols continuing on from my previous blog referring to the fact that i was losing a sense of direction as to who i was becoming and i guess ive had some kind of clarity as i feel as though i've gone back to normal but i'm still tryna figure out what's going on in my mind and all. Guess going with the flow works and im a big believer of everything happening for a reason. Life is life, you can never run or hide from it. As Margaret Bonnano said "It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis."

Now i would like to leave you all with a quote that got me thinking.

"Presence is more than just being there." - Malcolm S. Forbes

- Marty.