Entry #4
status:fkn bored like a moo-fo
mood:average ; blank ; things lingering on my mind but not too sure of what it is..
currently listening to:halo - beyonce
Started to write a blog @ uws parramatta on monday, never got posted nor did it ever get completed. Amazing how things change in just a few days and how easy it is to erase words written electronically - highlighting what you want deleted or needs to be deleted and just a hit of a button, its all gone. Interesting how life doesnt work like that.. nor anything else that seems to be realistic in this world. Ive noticed that although things are constantly changing and nothing lasts forever, there are things that cant be or never will be erased due to impulsive decisions without thinking through clearly of the consequences or just due to plain stupidity. But i guess that is what makes us realise so many different things within our lives and how we are able to learn from it, grow from it and mature from it. Those who dont, i guess that theyll just never learn or im guessing they choose not to learn until something hits them.
I was talking to CHI the other day about my past and how i had made many MANY wrong decisions within just half a year.. and that half a year leading to a year. And the fact that im always going to have to live life remembering what i did wrong, or what i DIDNT do. But its a part of life - we all know that and i know its something cliche to say but i did learn many things and have learnt a few extra things about the types of people that may live on this planet. There have been people who i have learnt from, there's been people who ive been influenced by - the good and the bad, people who have just remained acquaintances and possibly people who were in my life and silently stood by to see who i had become without even caring or talking to me about what i was doing and who i was becoming. I then realised half way through year 12 that i was much better off becoming more independent, better off not being influenced and better off discovering myself, by myself.
Yes i know in my previous blogs i have stated that i had lost a sense of self direction - losing myself and not knowing who i wanted to be, who i wanted to become or who i was at that moment in time. And at this very moment, im still not quite sure who i am BUT i can say that the past few wks i have become more certain of who i do not want to become and the qualities that i do not wish to possess or have. These past few wks ive become more chilled out, going with the flow and being more happier these days.
Theres been a few things running through my mind and that includes the aspect of familia ! They ARE IMPORTANT TO ME ! Although it may not seem so, they are ! I respect each and everyone one of them in their own ways. But whats always been lingering on my mind is the fact that i feel repentant when it comes to giving little or no time to family. Mums always stating the fact that i never talk to her and im always talking to my friends. Its true. I hate how things have become this way due to my selfishness and not trying more with mum. No one else is to blame but myself. The fact that she cares and loves me so much even if she can be strict or protective of me, i am still grateful for everythings shes done - not only me but whats shes done for the family. As days fly by, theyre not getting any younger and the minimal effort of wanting to hold a proper conversation with her is hard for me. As much as i want to open up to her and as much as i want to talk to her, i just cant seem to be able to bring myself to do it. I even feel funny just saying the words "im sorry" to her. I dont want to take family for granted nor do i want to be distant to them. I envy the people who are able to talk to their families about anything and everything - to be able to just even tell a joke or small chit chat. I really do hate this feeling and i hate that this is always @ the back of my mind, because it really does hurt me that im not able to properly talk to mum or the rest of my family.
Other lingering thoughts that has been eating away @ my mind are friendships, relationships and how life can be so god damn contradicting. Friendships and relationships often change due to many reasons and are often affected by lifes many contradicting aspects. For those friends who i have shunned - i am deeply and truly sorry for not making time or effort for the friendships who were worth being valued and worth spending time on. I must make special mention to Samantha, Sarah, Malina, Debbie, Veo, Zac and Bek (and theres probably more, sorry if i didnt mention you) - You's were the ones who stuck with me till the end and now that high school is over, i seem to have neglected these important friendships. I guess its now even harder to mend due to the fact that we've gone our separate ways to do what we choose to do. But i really do hope that i am able to catch up with all of you every soon ! truly am sorry. It's really sad to think that vital friendships are broken within a blink of an eye.
...As for relationships, i am really beginning to miss having one. But enough said, no need to delve into that topic anymore.
And as for life being contradicting, always will be! Its interesting how alot if not most friendships are based on the general terms of "bros over hoes" or "chicks before dicks", now everyone knows that in the end, it never seems to be the case. Somehow one way or another the opposite sex always tends to somehow end up meddling some form of friendship between two people - or possibly even more. Hypocrisy these days just dont seem to be as bad as contradiction. The fact that people or maybe even believers tend to say "live life to the full, take chances and take risks" or "lifes too short" - just generalisations, cant think of any other general contradictions within life atm. people always tend to think about the consequences of initiating these risks - even if its just trying to talk to a person of the opposite sex. It can be as little as that! But HEY ! i guess thats life.
Ok, i cant ramble on anymore. so i stop here. THE END =)
"I miss all the little things I never thought that they’d mean everything to me..
So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here"
- Lifehouse
- Marty.
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